Thursday, March 13, 2014

Top ten - why babies make bad roomies

Imagine a room mate with these top ten quality traits:

1. Waits for the precise moment you've fallen asleep to wake you up, rile you up then fall into snores exactly when you're wide awake

2. Bites you when you're giving him food literally biting the body part that feeds him

3. Somehow realizes when you have important stuff on and decides to schedule his entire day in a manner that totally fucks up your day. Every time.

4. Watches you prepare all his meals then throws it in your face and makes you clean up after him

5. Hates all the presents you've ever bought him never says thank you

6. Laugh in your face and leaves the room when you tell him to listen

7. Makes you look like a liar in front of others by never doing what you've told people he always does in front of you. Then does it exactly when no one is looking

8. Makes it difficult for you every time you want to spend time on other things like friends, hobbies or employment

9. Creates a load of laundry everyday that you have to do rain, hail or shine or you have smelly mountain within 48 hours

10. Makes you visibly uglier, age twice as fast and sag in all the wrong places

Wow, what an absolute jerk. Well friends, that is what it's like living with a normal baby. (*That's right, you read right, I'm talking some nipple biting in there too). Except society expects mothers to love and relish the experience while throwing in bucketloads of super unhelpful unsolicited parenting advice along the way. Thanks team.

I have a lot of anger for my baby right now. My patience has run very thin and my energy low. On top of the normal annoying things babies do to your lives above, my baby seems to excel above and beyond other babies in terms of being difficult. He seems to have read the parenting troubleshoot page and has decided to take on each problem with gusto.

What with breast refusal at the beginning, then bottle refusal forever after making it impossible for anyone else to look after him for a day. Then essentially screaming his head off for the first seven months of his life. Day and night. Now refusing food on a pathological level. Multiple night wakings well beyond when most normal babies can sleep through. He actually thinks 3am is 7am. Let's just add NOT GROWING  in there for kicks. It's never gonna stop, is it?

Yet I know I am the one being ridiculous. Deep down I know my baby's fussiness is only 50% his temperament, and the rest of the blame should lay squarely on my parenting. Isn't a baby only as fussy as his parents? He's just a baby after all. And bam there it is - I'm the jerk.

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